The Devil's Dictionary

Originally published as The Cynic’s Word Book, Ambrose Bierce’s wickedly satirical “reference book” was retitled The Devil’s Dictionary in 1911.

Here are some choice excerpts from this highly entertaining work:

Conservative 
    (n.) A statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, 
who wishes to replace them with others. 

Cynic 
    (n.) A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. 
Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

Gas meter
     (n.) The family liar in the basement.

Lawyer 
    (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Marriage 
    (n.) A household consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.