Ben Nevis : A Dialogue

by John Keats

    There was one Mrs. Cameron of 50 years of age and the fattest woman in all Inverness-shire who got up this Mountain some few years ago, true she had her servants, but then she had her self.    She ought to have hired Sisyphus,, "Up the high hill he heaves a huge round, Mrs. Cameron." 'Tis said a little conversation took place between the mountain and the Lady. After taking a glass of Whiskey as she was tolerably seated at ease she thus began,


    Mrs. C.
    Upon my Life Sir Nevis I am pique'd
    That I have so far panted tugg'd and reek'd
    To do an honour to your old bald pate
    And now am sitting on you just to bate,
    Without your paying me one compliment.
    Alas 'tis so with all, when our intent
    Is plain, and in the eye of all Mankind
    We fair ones show a preference, too blind!
    You Gentle man immediately turn tail,
    O let me then my hapless fate bewail!
    Ungrateful Baldpate have I not disdain'd
    The pleasant Valleys, have I not madbrain'd
    Deserted all my Pickles and preserves
    My China closet too, with wretched Nerves
    To boot, say wretched ingrate have I not
    Left my soft cushion chair and caudle pot.
    'Tis true I had no corns, no! thank the fates
    My Shoemaker was always Mr. Bates.
    And if not Mr. Bates why I'm not old!
    Still dumb ungrateful Nevis, still so cold!

    Here the Lady took some more whiskey and was putting even more to her lips when she dashed it to the Ground for the Mountain began to grumble, which continued for a few minutes before he thus began,

    Ben Nevis.
    What whining bit of tongue and Mouth thus dares
    Disturb my slumber of a thousand years?
    Even so long my sleep has been secure,
    And to be so awakened I'll not endure.
    Oh pain, for since the Eagle's earliest scream
    I've had a damn'd confounded ugly dream,
    A Nightmare sure.    What Madam was it you?
    It cannot be!    My old eyes are not true!
    Red-Crag, my Spectacles!    Now let me see!
    Good Heavens Lady how the gemini
    Did you get here?    O I shall split my sides!
    I shall earthquake,

    Mrs. C.
    Sweet Nevis do not quake, for though I love
    Your honest Countenance all things above
    Truly I should not like to be convey'd
    So far into your Bosom, gentle Maid
    Loves not too rough a treatment gentle Sir,
    Pray thee be calm and do not quake nor stir
    No not a Stone or I shall go in fits

    Ben Nevis.
    I must, I shall, I meet not such tid bits,
    I meet not such sweet creatures every day,
    By my old night cap night cap night and day
    I must have one sweet Buss, I must and shall:
    Red Crag!, What Madam can you then repent
    Of all the toil and vigour you have spent
    To see Ben Nevis and to touch his nose?
    Red Crag I say! O I must have them close!
    Red Crag, there lies beneath my farthest toe
    A vein of Sulphur, go dear Red Crag, go
    And rub your flinty back against it, budge!
    Dear Madam I must kiss you, faith I must!
    I must Embrace you with my dearest gust!
    Block-head, d'ye hear, Block-head I'll make her feel
    There lies beneath my east leg's northern heel
    A cave of young earth dragons, well my boy
    Go thither quick and so complete my joy
    Take you a bundle of the largest pines
    And when the sun on fiercest Phosphor shines
    Fire them and ram them in the Dragon's nest,
    Then will the dragons fry and fizz their best
    Until ten thousand now no bigger than
    Poor Alligators, poor things of one span,
    Will each one swell to twice ten times the size
    Of northern whale, then for the tender prize,
    The moment then, for then will Red Crag rub
    His flinty back, and I shall kiss and snub
    And press my dainty morsel to my breast.
    Block-head make haste!
    O Muses weep the rest,
    The Lady fainted and he thought her dead
    So pulled the clouds again about his head
    And went to sleep again, soon she was rous'd
    By her affrighted servants, next day hous'd
    Safe on the lowly ground she bless'd her fate
    That fainting fit was not delayed too late.

    But what surprises me above all is how this Lady got down again.