SCENE I ORGON, MARIANE ORGON Now, Mariane. MARIANE Yes, father? ORGON Come; I'll tell you A secret. MARIANE Yes … What are you looking for? ORGON (looking into a small closet-room) To see there's no one there to spy upon us; That little closet's mighty fit to hide in. There! We're all right now. Mariane, in you I've always found a daughter dutiful And gentle. So I've always love you dearly. MARIANE I'm grateful for your fatherly affection. ORGON Well spoken, daughter. Now, prove you deserve it By doing as I wish in all respects. MARIANE To do so is the height of my ambition. ORGON Excellent well. What say you of—Tartuffe? MARIANE Who? I? ORGON Yes, you. Look to it how you answer. MARIANE Why! I'll say of him—anything you please. SCENE II ORGON, MARIANE, DORINE (coming in quietly and standing behind Orgon, so that he does not see her) ORGON Well spoken. A good girl. Say then, my daughter, That all his person shines with noble merit, That he has won your heart, and you would like To have him, by my choice, become your husband. Eh? MARIANE Eh? ORGON What say you? MARIANE Please, what did you say? ORGON What? MARIANE Surely I mistook you, sir? ORGON How now? MARIANE Who is it, father, you would have me say Has won my heart, and I would like to have Become my husband, by your choice? ORGON Tartuffe. MARIANE But, father, I protest it isn't true! Why should you make me tell this dreadful lie? ORGON Because I mean to have it be the truth. Let this suffice for you: I've settled it. MARIANE What, father, you would … ? ORGON Yes, child, I'm resolved To graft Tartuffe into my family. So he must be your husband. That I've settled. And since your duty .. (Seeing Dorine) What are you doing there? Your curiosity is keen, my girl, To make you come eavesdropping on us so. DORINE Upon my word, I don't know how the rumour Got started—if 'twas guess-work or mere chance But I had heard already of this match, And treated it as utter stuff and nonsense. ORGON What! Is the thing incredible? DORINE So much so I don't believe it even from yourself, sir. ORGON I know a way to make you credit it. DORINE No, no, you're telling us a fairly tale! ORGON I'm telling you just what will happen shortly. DORINE Stuff! ORGON Daughter, what I say is in good earnest. DORINE There, there, don't take your father seriously; He's fooling. ORGON But I tell you … DORINE No. No use. They won't believe you. ORGON If I let my anger … DORINE Well, then, we do believe you; and the worse For you it is. What! Can a grown-up man With that expanse of beard across his face Be mad enough to want …? ORGON You hark me: You've taken on yourself here in this house A sort of free familiarity That I don't like, I tell you frankly, girl. DORINE There, there, let's not get angry, sir, I beg you. But are you making game of everybody? Your daughter's not cut out for bigot's meat; And he has more important things to think of. Besides, what can you gain by such a match? How can a man of wealth, like you, go choose A wretched vagabond for son-in-law? ORGON You hold your tongue. And know, the less he has, The better cause have we to honour him. His poverty is honest poverty; It should exalt him more than worldly grandeur, For he has let himself be robbed of all, Through careless disregard of temporal things And fixed attachment to the things eternal. My help may set him on his feet again, Win back his property—a fair estate He has at home, so I'm informed—and prove him For what he is, a true-born gentleman. DORINE Yes, so he says himself. Such vanity But ill accords with pious living, sir. The man who cares for holiness alone Should not so loudly boast his name and birth; The humble ways of genuine devoutness Brook not so much display of earthly pride. Why should he be so vain? … But I offend you: Let's leave his rank, then,—take the man himself: Can you without compunction give a man Like him possession of a girl like her? Think what a scandal's sure to come of it! Virtue is at the mercy of the fates, When a girl's married to a man she hates; The best intent to live an honest woman Depends upon the husband's being human, And men whose brows are pointed at afar May thank themselves their wives are what they are. For to be true is more than woman can, With husbands built upon a certain plan; And he who weds his child against her will Owes heaven account for it, if she do ill. Think then what perils wait on your design. ORGON (to Mariane) So! I must learn what's what from her, you see! DORINE You might do worse than follow my advice. ORGON Daughter, we can't waste time upon this nonsense; I know what's good for you, and I'm your father. True, I had promised you to young Valere; But, first, they tell me he's inclined to gamble, And then, I fear his faith is not quite sound. I haven't noticed that he's regular At church. DORINE You'd have him run there just when you do. Like those who go on purpose to be seen? ORGON I don't ask your opinion on the matter. In short, the other is in Heaven's best graces, And that is riches quite beyond compare. This match will bring you every joy you long for; 'Twill be all steeped in sweetness and delight. You'll live together, in your faithful loves, Like two sweet children, like two turtle-doves; You'll never fail to quarrel, scold, or tease, And you may do with him whate'er you please. DORINE With him? Do naught but give him horns, I'll warrant. ORGON Out on thee, wench! DORINE I tell you he's cut out for't; However great your daughter's virtue, sir, His destiny is sure to prove the stronger. ORGON Have done with interrupting. Hold your tongue. Don't poke your nose in other people's business. DORINE (She keeps interrupting him, just as he turns and starts to speak to his daughter). If I make bold, sir, 'tis for your own good. ORGON You're too officious; pray you, hold your tongue. DORINE 'Tis love of you … ORGON I want none of your love. DORINE Then I will love you in your own despite. ORGON You will, eh? DORINE Yes, your honour's dear to me; I can't endure to see you made the butt Of all men's ridicule. ORGON Won't you be still? DORINE 'Twould be a sin to let you make this match. ORGON Won't you be still, I say, you impudent viper! DORINE What! you are pious, and you lose your temper? ORGON I'm all wrought up, with your confounded nonsense; Now, once for all, I tell you hold your tongue. DORINE Then mum's the word; I'll take it out in thinking. ORGON Think all you please; but not a syllable To me about it, or … you understand! (Turning to his daughter.) As a wise father, I've considered all With due deliberation. DORINE I'll go mad If I can't speak. (She stops the instant he turns his head.) ORGON Though he's no lady's man, Tartuffe is well enough … DORINE A pretty phiz! ORGON So that, although you may not care at all For his best qualities … DORINE A handsome dowry! (Orgon turns and stands in front of her, with arms folded, eyeing her.) Were I in her place, any man should rue it Who married me by force, that's mighty certain; I'd let him know, and that within a week, A woman's vengeance isn't far to seek. ORGON (to Dorine) So—nothing that I say has any weight? DORINE Eh? What's wrong now? I didn't speak to you. ORGON What were you doing? DORINE Talking to myself. ORGON Oh! Very well. (Aside.) Her monstrous impudence Must be chastised with one good slap in the face. (He stands ready to strike her, and, each time he speaks to his daughter, he glances toward her; but she stands still and says not a word.) [3] [Footnote 3: As given at the Comedie francaise, the action is as follows: While Orgon says, "You must approve of my design," Dorine is making signs to Mariane to resist his orders; Orgon turns around suddenly; but Dorine quickly changes her gesture and with the hand which she had lifted calmly arranges her hair and her cap. Orgon goes on, "Think of the husband …" and stops before the middle of his sentence to turn and catch the beginning of Dorine's gesture; but he is too quick this time, and Dorine stands looking at his furious countenance with a sweet and gentle expression. He turns and goes on, and the obstinate Dorine again lifts her hand behind his shoulder to urge Mariane to resistance: this time he catches her; but just as he swings his shoulder to give her the promised blow, she stops him by changing the intent of her gesture, and carefully picking from the top of his sleeve a bit of fluff which she holds carefully between her fingers, then blows into the air, and watches intently as it floats away. Orgon is paralysed by her innocence of expression, and compelled to hide his rage.—Regnier, Le Tartuffe des Comediens.] ORGON Daughter, you must approve of my design…. Think of this husband … I have chosen for you… (To Dorine) Why don't you talk to yourself? DORINE Nothing to say. ORGON One little word more. DORINE Oh, no, thanks. Not now. ORGON Sure, I'd have caught you. DORINE Faith, I'm no such fool. ORGON So, daughter, now obedience is the word; You must accept my choice with reverence. DORINE (running away) You'd never catch me marrying such a creature. ORGON (swinging his hand at her and missing her) Daughter, you've such a pestilent hussy there I can't live with her longer, without sin. I can't discuss things in the state I'm in. My mind's so flustered by her insolent talk, To calm myself, I must go take a walk. SCENE III MARIANE, DORINE DORINE Say, have you lost the tongue from out your head? And must I speak your role from A to Zed? You let them broach a project that's absurd, And don't oppose it with a single word! MARIANE What can I do? My father is the master. DORINE Do? Everything, to ward off such disaster. MARIANE But what? DORINE Tell him one doesn't love by proxy; Tell him you'll marry for yourself, not him; Since you're the one for whom the thing is done, You are the one, not he, the man must please; If his Tartuffe has charmed him so, why let him Just marry him himself—no one will hinder. MARIANE A father's rights are such, it seems to me, That I could never dare to say a word. DORINE Came, talk it out. Valere has asked your hand: Now do you love him, pray, or do you not? MARIANE Dorine! How can you wrong my love so much, And ask me such a question? Have I not A hundred times laid bare my heart to you? Do you know how ardently I love him? DORINE How do I know if heart and words agree, And if in honest truth you really love him? MARIANE Dorine, you wrong me greatly if you doubt it; I've shown my inmost feelings, all too plainly. DORINE So then, you love him? MARIANE Yes, devotedly. DORINE And he returns your love, apparently? MARIANE I think so. DORINE And you both alike are eager To be well married to each other? MARIANE Surely. DORINE Then what's your plan about this other match? MARIANE To kill myself, if it is forced upon me. DORINE Good! That's a remedy I hadn't thought of. Just die, and everything will be all right. This medicine is marvellous, indeed! It drives me mad to hear folk talk such nonsense. MARIANE Oh dear, Dorine you get in such a temper! You have no sympathy for people's troubles. DORINE I have no sympathy when folk talk nonsense, And flatten out as you do, at a pinch. MARIANE But what can you expect?—if one is timid?— DORINE But what is love worth, if it has no courage? MARIANE Am I not constant in my love for him? Is't not his place to win me from my father? DORINE But if your father is a crazy fool, And quite bewitched with his Tartuffe? And breaks His bounden word? Is that your lover's fault? MARIANE But shall I publicly refuse and scorn This match, and make it plain that I'm in love? Shall I cast off for him, whate'er he be, Womanly modesty and filial duty? You ask me to display my love in public … ? DORINE No, no, I ask you nothing. You shall be Mister Tartuffe's; why, now I think of it, I should be wrong to turn you from this marriage. What cause can I have to oppose your wishes? So fine a match! An excellent good match! Mister Tartuffe! Oh ho! No mean proposal! Mister Tartuffe, sure, take it all in all, Is not a man to sneeze at—oh, by no means! 'Tis no small luck to be his happy spouse. The whole world joins to sing his praise already; He's noble—in his parish; handsome too; Red ears and high complexion—oh, my lud! You'll be too happy, sure, with him for husband. MARIANE Oh dear! … DORINE What joy and pride will fill your heart To be the bride of such a handsome fellow! MARIANE Oh, stop, I beg you; try to find some way To help break off the match. I quite give in, I'm ready to do anything you say. DORINE No, no, a daughter must obey her father, Though he should want to make her wed a monkey. Besides, your fate is fine. What could be better! You'll take the stage-coach to his little village, And find it full of uncles and of cousins, Whose conversation will delight you. Then You'll be presented in their best society. You'll even go to call, by way of welcome, On Mrs. Bailiff, Mrs. Tax-Collector, Who'll patronise you with a folding-stool. There, once a year, at carnival, you'll have Perhaps—a ball; with orchestra—two bag-pipes; And sometimes a trained ape, and Punch and Judy; Though if your husband … MARIANE Oh, you'll kill me. Please Contrive to help me out with your advice. DORINE I thank you kindly. MARIANE Oh! Dorine, I beg you … DORINE To serve you right, this marriage must go through. MARIANE Dear girl! DORINE No. MARIANE If I say I love Valere … DORINE No, no. Tartuffe's your man, and you shall taste him. MARIANE You know I've always trusted you; now help me … DORINE No, you shall be, my faith! Tartuffified. MARIANE Well, then, since you've no pity for my fate Let me take counsel only of despair; It will advise and help and give me courage; There's one sure cure, I know, for all my troubles. (She starts to go.) DORINE There, there! Come back. I can't be angry long. I must take pity on you, after all. MARIANE Oh, don't you see, Dorine, if I must bear This martyrdom, I certainly shall die. DORINE Now don't you fret. We'll surely find some way. To hinder this … But here's Valere, your lover. SCENE IV VALERE, MARIANE, DORINE VALERE Madam, a piece of news—quite new to me— Has just come out, and very fine it is. MARIANE What piece of news? VALERE Your marriage with Tartuffe. MARIANE 'Tis true my father has this plan in mind. VALERE Your father, madam … MARIANE Yes, he's changed his plans, And did but now propose it to me. VALERE What! Seriously? MARIANE Yes, he was serious, And openly insisted on the match. VALERE And what's your resolution in the matter, Madam? MARIANE I don't know. VALERE That's a pretty answer. You don't know? MARIANE No. VALERE No? MARIANE What do you advise? VALERE I? My advice is, marry him, by all means. MARIANE That's your advice? VALERE Yes. MARIANE Do you mean it? VALERE Surely. A splendid choice, and worthy of your acceptance. MARIANE Oh, very well, sir! I shall take your counsel. VALERE You'll find no trouble taking it, I warrant. MARIANE No more than you did giving it, be sure. VALERE I gave it, truly, to oblige you, madam. MARIANE And I shall take it to oblige you, sir. Dorine (withdrawing to the back of the stage) Let's see what this affair will come to. VALERE So, That is your love? And it was all deceit When you … MARIANE I beg you, say no more of that. You told me, squarely, sir, I should accept The husband that is offered me; and I Will tell you squarely that I mean to do so, Since you have given me this good advice. VALERE Don't shield yourself with talk of my advice. You had your mind made up, that's evident; And now you're snatching at a trifling pretext To justify the breaking of your word. MARIANE Exactly so. VALERE Of course it is; your heart Has never known true love for me. MARIANE Alas! You're free to think so, if you please. VALERE Yes, yes, I'm free to think so; and my outraged love May yet forestall you in your perfidy, And offer elsewhere both my heart and hand. MARIANE No doubt of it; the love your high deserts May win … VALERE Good Lord, have done with my deserts! I know I have but few, and you have proved it. But I may find more kindness in another; I know of someone, who'll not be ashamed To take your leavings, and make up my loss. MARIANE The loss is not so great; you'll easily Console yourself completely for this change. VALERE I'll try my best, that you may well believe. When we're forgotten by a woman's heart, Our pride is challenged; we, too, must forget; Or if we cannot, must at least pretend to. No other way can man such baseness prove, As be a lover scorned, and still in love. MARIANE In faith, a high and noble sentiment. VALERE Yes; and it's one that all men must approve. What! Would you have me keep my love alive, And see you fly into another's arms Before my very eyes; and never offer To someone else the heart that you had scorned? MARIANE Oh, no, indeed! For my part, I could wish That it were done already. VALERE What! You wish it? MARIANE Yes. VALERE This is insult heaped on injury; I'll go at once and do as you desire. (He takes a step or two as if to go away.) MARIANE Oh, very well then. VALERE (turning back) But remember this. 'Twas you that drove me to this desperate pass. MARIANE Of course. VALERE (turning back again) And in the plan that I have formed I only follow your example. MARIANE Yes. VALERE (at the door) Enough; you shall be punctually obeyed. MARIANE So much the better. VALERE (coming back again) This is once for all. MARIANE So be it, then. VALERE (He goes toward the door, but just as he reaches it, turns around) Eh? MARIANE What? VALERE You didn't call me? MARIANE I? You are dreaming. VALERE Very well, I'm gone. Madam, farewell. (He walks slowly away.) MARIANE Farewell, sir. DORINE I must say You've lost your senses and both gone clean daft! I've let you fight it out to the end o' the chapter To see how far the thing could go. Oho, there, Mister Valere! (She goes and seizes him by the arm, to stop him. He makes a great show of resistance.) VALERE What do you want, Dorine? DORINE Come here. VALERE No, no, I'm quite beside myself. Don't hinder me from doing as she wishes. DORINE Stop! VALERE No. You see, I'm fixed, resolved, determined. DORINE So! MARIANE (aside) Since my presence pains him, makes him go, I'd better go myself, and leave him free. DORINE (leaving Valere, and running after Mariane) Now t'other! Where are you going? MARIANE Let me be. DORINE. Come back. MARIANE No, no, it isn't any use. VALERE (aside) 'Tis clear the sight of me is torture to her; No doubt, t'were better I should free her from it. DORINE (leaving Mariane and running after Valere) Same thing again! Deuce take you both, I say. Now stop your fooling; come here, you; and you. (She pulls first one, then the other, toward the middle of the stage.) VALERE (to Dorine) What's your idea? MARIANE (to Dorine) What can you mean to do? DORINE Set you to rights, and pull you out o' the scrape. (To Valere) Are you quite mad, to quarrel with her now? VALERE Didn't you hear the things she said to me? DORINE (to Mariane) Are you quite mad, to get in such a passion? MARIANE Didn't you see the way he treated me? DORINE Fools, both of you. (To Valere) She thinks of nothing else But to keep faith with you, I vouch for it. (To Mariane) And he loves none but you, and longs for nothing But just to marry you, I stake my life on't. MARIANE (to Valere) Why did you give me such advice then, pray? VALERE (to Mariane) Why ask for my advice on such a matter? DORINE You both are daft, I tell you. Here, your hands. (To Valere) Come, yours. VALERE (giving Dorine his hand) What for? DORINE (to Mariane) Now, yours. MARIANE (giving Dorine her hand) But what's the use? DORINE Oh, quick now, come along. There, both of you— You love each other better than you think. (Valere and Mariane hold each other's hands some time without looking at each other.) VALERE (at last turning toward Mariane) Come, don't be so ungracious now about it; Look at a man as if you didn't hate him. (Mariane looks sideways toward Valere, with just a bit of a smile.) DORINE My faith and troth, what fools these lovers be! VALERE (to Mariane) But come now, have I not a just complaint? And truly, are you not a wicked creature To take delight in saying what would pain me? MARIANE And are you not yourself the most ungrateful … ? DORINE Leave this discussion till another time; Now, think how you'll stave off this plaguy marriage. MARIANE Then tell us how to go about it. DORINE Well, We'll try all sorts of ways. (To Mariane) Your father's daft; (To Valere) This plan is nonsense. (To Mariane) You had better humour His notions by a semblance of consent, So that in case of danger, you can still Find means to block the marriage by delay. If you gain time, the rest is easy, trust me. One day you'll fool them with a sudden illness, Causing delay; another day, ill omens: You've met a funeral, or broke a mirror, Or dreamed of muddy water. Best of all, They cannot marry you to anyone Without your saying yes. But now, methinks, They mustn't find you chattering together. (To Valere) You, go at once and set your friends at work To make him keep his word to you; while we Will bring the brother's influence to bear, And get the step-mother on our side, too. Good-bye. VALERE (to Mariane) Whatever efforts we may make, My greatest hope, be sure, must rest on you. MARIANE (to Valere) I cannot answer for my father's whims; But no one save Valere shall ever have me. VALERE You thrill me through with joy! Whatever comes … DORINE Oho! These lovers! Never done with prattling! Now go. VALERE (starting to go, and coming back again) One last word … DORINE What a gabble and pother! Be off! By this door, you. And you, by t'other. (She pushes them off, by the shoulders, in opposite directions.)
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