ACT II - Scene III Troilus and Cressida
The Grecian camp. Before Achilles’ tent.
| Enter Thersites, solus. | |
| Thersites | How now, Thersites! what, lost in the labyrinth of thy fury! Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He beats me, and I rail at him: O, worthy satisfaction! would it were otherwise; that I could beat him, whilst he railed at me. ’Sfoot, I’ll learn to conjure and raise devils, but I’ll see some issue of my spiteful execrations. Then there’s Achilles, a rare enginer! If Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods, and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if ye take not that little little less than little wit from them that they have! which short-armed ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce, it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider, without drawing their massy irons and cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the whole camp! or rather, the bone-ache! for that, methinks, is the curse dependent on those that war for a placket. I have said my prayers and devil Envy say Amen. What ho! my Lord Achilles! |
| Enter Patroclus. | |
| Patroclus | Who’s there? Thersites! Good Thersites, come in and rail. |
| Thersites | If I could have remembered a gilt counterfeit, thou wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation: but it is no matter; thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till thy death! then if she that lays thee out says thou art a fair corse, I’ll be sworn and sworn upon’t she never shrouded any but lazars. Amen. Where’s Achilles? |
| Patroclus | What, art thou devout? wast thou in prayer? |
| Thersites | Ay: the heavens hear me! |
| Enter Achilles. | |
| Achilles | Who’s there? |
| Patroclus | Thersites, my lord. |
| Achilles | Where, where? Art thou come? why, my cheese, my digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so many meals? Come, what’s Agamemnon? |
| Thersites | Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what’s Achilles? |
| Patroclus | Thy lord, Thersites: then tell me, I pray thee, what’s thyself? |
| Thersites | Thy knower, Patroclus: then tell me, Patroclus, what art thou? |
| Patroclus | Thou mayst tell that knowest. |
| Achilles | O, tell, tell. |
| Thersites | I’ll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus’ knower, and Patroclus is a fool. |
| Patroclus | You rascal! |
| Thersites | Peace, fool! I have not done. |
| Achilles | He is a privileged man. Proceed, Thersites. |
| Thersites | Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool. |
| Achilles | Derive this; come. |
| Thersites | Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles; Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon; Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool, and Patroclus is a fool positive. |
| Patroclus | Why am I a fool? |
| Thersites | Make that demand of the prover. It suffices me thou art. Look you, who comes here? |
| Achilles | Patroclus, I’ll speak with nobody. Come in with me, Thersites. Exit. |
| Thersites | Here is such patchery, such juggling and such knavery! all the argument is a cuckold and a whore; a good quarrel to draw emulous factions and bleed to death upon. Now, the dry serpigo on the subject! and war and lechery confound all! Exit. |
| Enter Agamemnon, Ulysses, Nestor, Diomedes, and Ajax. | |
| Agamemnon | Where is Achilles? |
| Patroclus | Within his tent; but ill disposed, my lord. |
| Agamemnon |
Let it be known to him that we are here.
|
| Patroclus | I shall say so to him. Exit. |
| Ulysses |
We saw him at the opening of his tent:
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| Ajax | Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart: you may call it melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head, ’tis pride: but why, why? let him show us the cause. A word, my lord. Takes Agamemnon aside. |
| Nestor | What moves Ajax thus to bay at him? |
| Ulysses | Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him. |
| Nestor | Who, Thersites? |
| Ulysses | He. |
| Nestor | Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument. |
| Ulysses | No, you see, he is his argument that has his argument, Achilles. |
| Nestor | All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their faction: but it was a strong composure a fool could disunite. |
| Ulysses | The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie. Here comes Patroclus. |
| Reenter Patroclus. | |
| Nestor | No Achilles with him. |
| Ulysses | The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy: his legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure. |
| Patroclus |
Achilles bids me say, he is much sorry,
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| Agamemnon |
Hear you, Patroclus:
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| Patroclus | I shall; and bring his answer presently. Exit. |
| Agamemnon |
In second voice we’ll not be satisfied;
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| Ajax | What is he more than another? |
| Agamemnon | No more than what he thinks he is. |
| Ajax | Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better man than I am? |
| Agamemnon | No question. |
| Ajax | Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is? |
| Agamemnon | No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise, no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable. |
| Ajax | Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not what pride is. |
| Agamemnon | Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the fairer. He that is proud eats up himself: pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours the deed in the praise. |
| Ajax | I do hate a proud man, as I hate the engendering of toads. |
| Nestor | Yet he loves himself: is’t not strange? Aside. |
| Reenter Ulysses. | |
| Ulysses | Achilles will not to the field to-morrow. |
| Agamemnon | What’s his excuse? |
| Ulysses |
He doth rely on none,
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| Agamemnon |
Why will he not upon our fair request
|
| Ulysses |
Things small as nothing, for request’s sake only,
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| Agamemnon |
Let Ajax go to him.
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| Ulysses |
O Agamemnon, let it not be so!
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| Nestor | Aside to Diomedes. O, this is well; he rubs the vein of him. |
| Diomedes | Aside to Nestor. And how his silence drinks up this applause! |
| Ajax |
If I go to him, with my armed fist
|
| Agamemnon | O, no, you shall not go. |
| Ajax |
An a’ be proud with me, I’ll pheeze his pride:
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| Ulysses | Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel. |
| Ajax | A paltry, insolent fellow! |
| Nestor | How he describes himself! |
| Ajax | Can he not be sociable? |
| Ulysses | The raven chides blackness. |
| Ajax | I’ll let his humours blood. |
| Agamemnon | He will be the physician that should be the patient. |
| Ajax | An all men were o’ my mind— |
| Ulysses | Wit would be out of fashion. |
| Ajax | A’ should not bear it so, a’ should eat swords first: shall pride carry it? |
| Nestor | An ’twould, you’ld carry half. |
| Ulysses | A’ would have ten shares. |
| Ajax | I will knead him; I’ll make him supple. |
| Nestor | He’s not yet through warm: force him with praises: pour in, pour in; his ambition is dry. |
| Ulysses | To Agamemnon. My lord, you feed too much on this dislike. |
| Nestor | Our noble general, do not do so. |
| Diomedes | You must prepare to fight without Achilles. |
| Ulysses |
Why, ’tis this naming of him does him harm.
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| Nestor |
Wherefore should you so?
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| Ulysses | Know the whole world, he is as valiant. |
| Ajax |
A whoreson dog, that shall pelter thus with us!
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| Nestor | What a vice were it in Ajax now— |
| Ulysses | If he were proud— |
| Diomedes | Or covetous of praise— |
| Ulysses | Ay, or surly borne— |
| Diomedes | Or strange, or self-affected! |
| Ulysses |
Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet composure;
|
| Ajax | Shall I call you father? |
| Nestor | Ay, my good son. |
| Diomedes | Be ruled by him, Lord Ajax. |
| Ulysses |
There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles
|
| Agamemnon |
Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep:
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